The One Where I Carried A Tampon In My Pocket

Abilene, Texas
2005-ish

We've already mentioned the Wooten, aka the Coolest Place We've Ever Lived. That said, it wasn't all bubbles and sunshine, even though there was a sweet coffee shop/cigar store exactly halfway between the Wooten and The Grace Museum, where I worked.

Downtown Abilene was kind of a businessman/businesswoman's downtown. It was hopping between 8am and 5pm, and then there was nothing after that, unless the Paramount Theater was showing an old movie (which was mainly on weekends). Except for the Greyhound Station.

See, Abilene is right off of I-20, three hours west of Dallas, and about 21 years east of El Paso, but it's apparently a pretty major stop on Greyhound routes, and the station is about three blocks away from the Wooten. So we would get characters of the sort that some may call "unsavory" walking around downtown Abilene - not that there's anything wrong with that.

Except it was a good opportunity for some to run a little scam. There was one lady, in particular, who came up to me as I walked home after work, who we affectionately called "Bug Lady," because she was about 5'1", maybe 90 lbs, with big glasses. Was it kind? Of course not. Anyhow, she came up to me on my three-minute walk home and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm on my way from Shreveport to El Paso, and we're here stuck at the Greyhound station for a few hours. It's my 'time of the month' and I don't have any money for....for...." and she whispered this, "tampons."

I recoiled in fear - being a male, and newly-ish married - reached in my pocket and in an unfortunately high-pitched voice said, "Oh, dear God, just take it and take care of..." (imagine wild hand gestures) "...that." I ended up giving her $5.25 and a tube of Burt's Bees.

Come with me, friends, six weeks later. I'm walking home from work, again, and Bug Lady comes up and gives me the same story. Now, I didn't know much about the feminine cycle, but I know that six weeks isn't a normal time frame for the Monthly Turmoil to get ramped up again. Wary, I politely say that I don't have any cash on me, but wish her the best of luck.  

Because I'm smart, I now know she's running a scam. It's a good story, and that first time, she picked the right guy. But you have to watch your marks, I suppose, and she messed with the Wrong Guy. I wanted to get back at her, but not go to jail, or feel like a horrible Christian. So I took one of Kami's tampons (or, "candy bars," as we call it so as not to invite embarrassment if talking in public about hygiene products) and added it to the Things I Carry (keys, wallet, Burt's Bees. And now tampon.)

For a couple of months I carried said tampon in my pocket, and sure enough: Bug Lady came up one afternoon, told me the same Shreveport-to-El Paso story. The time had come - and I was prepared. I told her, "You know what? You're in luck! Because I just happen to have one of O.B.'s finest right here in my pocket!" She had her hand held out, waiting for whatever cash I had, so I plopped a green one right in her hand, said, "Have a great day!" and kept walking.

By the by, as I got home, I turned around to see if she was still there. She was, with her hand still out, looking down at how lucky she had just been.